DAMNIT.
BLOODY. THIS IS THE FUCKIN' LAST STRAW. i just spent more than an hour typing out my latest entry and what happens?! IT ALL FUCKIN' DISAPPEARED. not just the latest entry too, EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING VANISHED, ALONG WITH ABOUT 90% OF MY QUIZZES. bloody pissifying. fine. I'M MOVING TO LIVEJOURNAL. shall maybe leave the link here when i get round to getting an LJ. SCREW YOU, PITAS.

-=damn pitas.=-

Saturday, 6th March, 2003
12:11 a.m.

No quote. Too mad to think of one.
you..... argh. pple seem to be pissing me off nowadays. first manyun, and now that stupid git. alrite. breathe in, breathe out...

I'm trembling with anger. I can't believe this. Anybody wants a looksee? Check this out. I need not tell of my feelings. For people who know me, it should be pretty obvious how I felt. If not, go see my comments on that entry. It should be clear enough after that.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I can go from happy to weird to sad to suicidally depressed in less than a minute. Which is what happened today. Lucky Ms Ng wasn't around... totally broke down during pure lit, and sobbed into my arm for about half an hr (don't ask me why it lasted so long) and I think I scared my group. Janice was holding my arm and joyce was patting my head and stuck a piece of tissue in my hand. Xinni squatted next to me and waited the whole time, and reena put her arms around me and just stayed there. I don't think elaina and karen's group noticed, and frankly I don't care. I know I don't mean a thing to them, and they don't really measure up that well in my list of friends.

smallville!!

tests. homework. STRESS. damnit.

-=-sweatdrop-=-

Tuesday, 24th February, 2003
10:10 p.m.

"OMG MS TAN IS SO CUTE!! -gaspgasp-" - Janice
ummm yes, squishit wasn't talking about the real ms tan up there -waves around vaguely- she was talking aobut this seriously cute drawing of ms tan that xinxue did. manga-ish, and very very adorable. i shall now take back most of my rantings about ms tan being a dumb bitch. she's not that bad after all (SOMETIMES). anyhow I'M ENTITLED TO MOODSWINGS man. and i have no idea why, but i spent most of today slamming my head on my table and being depressed. hmm.

ohh and sandy tan's buying beer for us to drink in class tmrw ^_^" hmm. strangely i seem to rmbr being very miserable in lit while ms ng was yattering away about answering techniques, and i was just scratching absently along my left arm (yes, it's ALWAYS the left arm.) and i just had one of my funny infrequent twitches and my nail caught on a scab and ripped it off. started bleeding like hell. ohh, and i found a papercut on the joint of my index finger today (it doesn't matter if i don't mention which phalanx, because both wld hurt anyway). didn't rlli notice, actually, until i was memorising stuff with xinni before my e geog presentation and i suddenly noticed this mass of dried blood on my finger and i was like WHAT THE HELL but oh well. yes, i know i'm jumping around alot. forgive me, i have a wandering mind.

at the rate ms ng's going, me and acey will be presenting in about 3 weeks time. when we're supposed to be presenting somewhere next week. because according to her schedule, she shld be at reena by now, and reena is number 9. and we just finished with elaina today, who is number 3. slow, w0t? (high-fives to acey, we're 11 and 12. last two ^_^")

wanga's friend committed suicide.
I don't know her, I have never heard of her, and I probably never will know her now.
But I pray that, wherever she has gone, she is at peace...

My Lord, Holy Mother, we stand before thee now, thine imperfect creations, and mourn the loss of a friend. Knoweth her we do not, but we pray for the salvation of her tortured soul, we prevail upon thee to take care of a friend.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

May your soul rest in peace, Jialing...

-=Holy Mother...=-

Thursday, 12th February, 2003
11:58 p.m.

"KERRYN DOESNT NOE SOMETHING. the world is changing." - Dominic
since i refuse to clog up my tagboard, i shall reply all tags here.

to suet: lol, no prob d00d =) and yes, i plan to sleep more, because otherwise i'll collapse and die but ah well. and yep, i'll always be mad over novo, i guess. WHO WLDNT they rule. but the song's by Billy Joel, dear :P

to joba: YOOOOOO!!! ^_^"

to cher: yoo! mm, as mentioned in the reply to suet, it's called "Longest Time" by Billy Joel. also sung by Novo Concertante Manila ^_^"

to trish: i'm not sure, but maybe it's cuz ur not used to her. i don't rlli like her myself, but i dun find her teaching so bad. hmm o.O

to ".." (stupid coward, refuse to put a proper name. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A COMMENT AND UR SOMEONE WHOM I NOE, U BLOODY WELL LEAVE YOUR FRIGGIN' NAME, BITCH.) : it's my own opinion, after all. as i think i've mentioned, maybe YOU'RE one of those "sick ms-tan worshippers". i wldn't noe, i'm no big fan of her myself. but see, she believes i failed the quiz because i didnt try, but it was an honest blur mistake, and i studied, and i still didnt rlli understand the back few. can u call that not trying? and karen studied like 3 minutes before ms tan came in, and rmbred a formula wrong as well, but ms tan didnt scold HER, oh noooo. so we can now narrow it down to: "Ms Tan doesn't like the people who're STUPID." ahh yes, SO much more specific. makes you want to leap with joy, doesn't it. YAY.

-=Screw this world.=-

Sunday, 8th February, 2003
10:08 p.m.

"Lol yes madam, i noe ur sleepy... :P" - Dominic
damn, what a day. sighhh... i have decided that i don't rlli like ms tan. despite all the sometimes-very-nice part of her, and the side that she apparantly shows only to the seniors (which is why dear cherie loves her), she is just... plain bloody mean. she's contemptous of us ex-1/13ers. i mean HEY, you love the other 2 classes so much, why don't you just leave us alone? don't bother about us, it doesnt make any fucking difference, either way your lessons are just a convenient way for you to show how much you dislike us. do you realise how screwed-up that is? have you realised how blatant it is, that everything there's fault found, it's either us 1/13ers or reena (yes, the losers in the academic field). and hasn't anyone noticed that sarah and vic, while being equally bad, hardly ever get scolded? nooooo, because they're ms tan's charming darlings.

i shouldn't be swearing so much. i shouldn't be making such a big issue out of her favouritism at this point in time, because hey, i've borne it for 2 years. what's the next 2 years? -blanches in private- but i am bloody sick of her. sick of seeing her face harden and her eyes narrow whenever she looks at us, sick of her picking on only us because the others lie to shift the blame and we don't. Well i'm sorry, to you sick ms-tan worshippers out there. because today was the first time this year that a teacher has managed to make me cry. and i hate her for that. wasn't so bad because i only cried about half an hr after she was gone. i will never give her the satifaction of seeing me cry. but thanks, janice squishit... that one hug was better than anything anyone else could have done, because you understood how i felt without rlli looking at me or listening to my wavery voice or anything... love ya... :)

thank god there's choir tmrw. i would DIE if i had nothing to look forward to after a day like this. if tmrw wasn't friday i'd be sitting in my room slamming my head against the wall and point-blank refusing to go to sch. traumatic. ironic, isn't it, that some lessons are delightful and the next just make you feel so friggin' suicidal...

SAVE ME, MY CHOIR...

-=Some days are just SO not worth living.=-

Thursday, 5th February, 2003
11:58 p.m.

"She punched my nose!!! It's flattened!!! *rubs nose frantically*" - Mel ^_^
damn busy lately. haven't rlli been allowed on the com at all. sneaking on now because my mom is downstairs ranting about something to my dad.

she dug thru my bag and emptied every darn thing out man. i hate that intrusion of my privacy. does anybody else face that same irritation?

upcoming choir perf at VCH. rules man. i love my choir. only after being away from them so long do i realise how much i love them, love jsut being around them and listening to them talk crap all the time. it occurs to me that if i do well enough and go to HCJC, i won't be parted from so many of them. then again, if i don't... -shudder- i now have a new source of motivation. must work hard. must go HCJC. must not lose them -obsess obsess-

-=CHOIR!!!=-

Wednesday, 28th January, 2003
8:23 p.m.

"You say it best when you say nothing at all" - Music on Chiew Shan's blog
CNY!!!! hahahah choir stoned for a long time before going up and singing Da Di Hui Chun and Gong Xi Gong Xi --" haiz if only the sch didn't make us sing those same songs over and over again every single year... ooooh we got let off, halfday ^_^ and the buses to orchard were packed. like sardines in a can. and at orchard, ALL cleared off within 3 stops, between far east and cine. and there were NY gals walking around practically everywhere ^^ already in the bus there i met sikhi and ligeng and shu en, and at orcahrd itself i met a lot more pple =D finally watched School Of Rock!!! hahaha no comments on the show itself, but the guys are sooooo cute!!! THE GUITARIST AND THE DRUMMER!!! Joey Gaydos Jr. and Kevin Clark. ahahahah i'm maddd lol. don't be jealous dear i don't love you any less :)

to the taggers of my board, thanks, all of you =) couldn't ask for anything more to show me that i still have my choir, no matter what happens... -eyes watering- and no lilin darling, even if I'M a failure, it doesn't make you guys failures. after all, none of you are ME. and i don't think anyone wld wanna be me :P except maybe cherie. she's irritated cuz her math tchr sucks that much more than mine. lolllll that chunky pig mrs lim and her "all girls are good girls" SHEESH. yes sikhi dear, i AM mad =D haven't you realised by now? mm but thnx all the same... i love you all =) thnx too, dan dear... -hugg-

#Cherie is amusing when she conducts. -evil grin-#

Tuesday, 20th January, 2003
7:48 p.m.

-stress stress stress-
I AM A LOUSY FAILURE AS A SENIOR. sigh.

homework. homework. stressed. aughhhhhhh.

-=GO AWAY, AUGH DAMNIT=-

Sunday, 18th January, 2003
7:22 p.m.

"Haha hmmm what would have happened if I'D done your health check? -grin-" - Dan
lol yes, we had our health check, and INCIDENTALLY had to strip. oh did anyone know i have asthma? -gasp- no don't worry, it was a teensy weensy attack in P3. PRIMARY THREE, and they're still telling me to be careful in PE now. sheesh. anyway, the health check was.......irritatingly a waste of time. and we had PE right after that. fun!!! played captain's ball and rugby. needless to say, the entire class ganged up against vic, weilin and sarah was still preeeetty pathetic. oh, and we discovered that weilin's shirt could be torn, even though she'd had it sewn up, and someone pulled at it, and it ripped ALL THE WAY DOWN. like, front and back. so weilin ran for the toilet with sarah covering her front and vic covering her back with their skirts ^^ oooooh, and i managed not to fail my first tingxie!!! honourable mentions to xinni and joyce, who refused to study before tingxie and as a result had the wonderful marks of 3 out of 34. i'm proud to say that i got, what, 25? or maybe 27. somewhere around there. whooo~

yes, to reiterate a stand, I HATE ANONYMOUS FLAMERS. bloody cowards. make a mean comment and don't wanna leave their names, WOW LIKE WHAT FUCKING SHIT IS THAT MAN, WHAT KINDA FUCKING NAME IS DISGUSTED, WHAT KINDA FUCKED-UP NAME IS ANONYMOUS, AND WHAT KINDA FUCKING ASSHOLE GOES AROUND CRITICISING OTHERS WHEN THEY PROBABLY KNOW THEY CAN'T DO IT THEMSELVES HUH?! STUPID DISGUSTED FREAK, SUET MAY HAVE DELETED MY FURIOUS RESPONSE FROM HER TAGBOARD TO KEEP THINGS QUIET, BUT JUST YOU WAIT. COME NEAR ANY OF MY CHOIRMATES AND YOU WILL DIE. I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I HATE YOU. to anyone who doesn't know me, please don't mind the swearing. i don't swear half that much in real life now, i'm just very very opposed to the notion of saying something mean without acknowledging it.

I've just read yink's blog, on a whim. read halfway through and just lost focus on my own depression. i mean, some pple just have that much more shit in their lives. read the thing about ms sia and THOSE ARE MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY she's.... dunno how to describe her. shitty, biased, cruel, and not that gd a tchr. i'm glad i got mrs png. she's a sweet person. ANYWAY, yes. when i read that entry, all i could think of was, where's she gone? where's the senior who told me, at the end of sec 1, "don't hurt yourself, nothing's worth hurting yourself"? what happened, when i did that in sec 2, and she told me the same? and why have i drifted away from her? it's simple. i've found other confidants, people who're willing to listen to me angst and rant and sob, and who comfort me when i can't stand myself. does that mean i only have use of people, of friends like yink, when i need comfort and advice? am i that bad? man i hate myself.

i've suddenly realised that when you scratch yourself a lot and the skin still doesnt break and you still don't bleed, that spot just kinda feels very warm, and last time i thought i'd finally got my arm to bleed, but it wasn't, but i could kinda smell blood, or something. like there was a bloody smell emanating from my arm because i'd managed to tear